What Nairobi womenthink of men and theirtribes

women respond by revealing what tribal
stereotypes say about Nairobi men, which may or
may not influence their choice of the future
father of their children, anyway. While some of
these perceptions might not exactly be gospel
truth, others are right on the money; literally.


1. Taita men


The Taita have some of the best,
poetically speaking, which is really good when it
comes to ‘tuning’ a woman. Women adore the
Mwandawiros and Mwang’ombes believing
‘Kiswahili yao ni mambo yote’ and are thus in
demand from Kaptagat to Kaloleni. They are not
only light-skinned and calm, but also collected
when making decisions. They are most women’s
dream.

Positive:
The Wadawidas are very romantic and
know how to tune (sweet talk) women. Even
better than the Omondis. Most Taita men are
also irresistible lookers.

Negative:
Most eat small food rations and are
thus ‘pin weights.’ They are “Yes” men,
conformist bootlickers who are easily controlled
by those in authority. They are ridiculously loyal.
Ever wondered why Kibaki and Kenyatta chose
Taita men as their aide-de-camp? They love sex
and booze (which makes them behave like they
are high on cheap Oriental herbs). Taita men are
also vulgar and uncouth, spewing unprintables;
embarrassing you in front of your girlfriends,
when provoked.



2. Luo:

‘Jatelos’ are said to be romantic and
extravagant to a fault. They will take you
shopping to Dubai and dine you in posh
restaurants till the next light skinned interested
lass emerges. Image is everything for our
Lakeside brothers. Calvin Aristotle Onassis
Omondi-McOgego would rather burn quid on a
Mercedes without qualms, parking it outside a
grass thatched hut in Akala village!


Positive:

They are the best players, and not
necessarily for Gor Mahia. Not that it is
something to clap home about, but if Omondi-
McOgego cheats with an ‘arrangement’ you may
never know as they hardly give you a reason to.
They know how to treat ‘my woman’. They must
have gone to the same school with the most
sought after men in Africa, the Nigerians!

Negative:
Calvin Aristotle Onassis Omondi-
McOgego thinks of investing back home in Akala
village, but fears chira... being bewitched. They
are always whining, complaining and ‘fighting’
for fairness/equitable distribution of resources.
Meet ten Omondi-McOgegos in a ‘Luo pub’ with
loud Lingala and Ohangla music and each has 20
beers waiting for action while discussing Raila’s
chances in the 2017 general elections. They also
do not believe in dialogue and would rather
‘throw stone missiles’ to express disappointment,
and not necessarily when Gor Mahia loses a
match. Omondi-McOgego can be proud even
when he has ‘nothing.’ In fact, the Omondis can
live beyond their means in Nairobi, showing off,
only to retire stranded in the finance
department!


3. Maasai:

How did the ‘Ndawuos’ and ‘Njores’
make it to number three? See, the thought of a
man who kills lions with his bare hands is quite
attractive away from the stereotyped ‘charcoal
vendors’ clutching a spear in one hand with his
red cloth wrapped around his waist or over his
shoulders. Foreigners mythically believe the
Maasai have a sexually potent ‘Long John Silver!’


Positive:

A well groomed Maasai is very
handsome. Most get NGO scholarships abroad
so that they can develop their home areas. And
they do! I mean, look at former Narok County
governor aspirant, Ledama Ole Kina from
Oloombokishi village!

Negative:

Stay away lady for sure you will be
played. Yes! They are very ruthless womanisers
especially the moneyed and good looking. The
worst bit about Sempeles is that they will use
and leave you as soon as the next beautiful skirt
wearer comes their way. The illiterate are hell to
deal with and understand.


4. Kalenjin :


Ears alert gold diggers, the Kip-
somethings have cash. And just like Simiyus, the
‘Cheps’ only live in Nairobi to earn a living. He
has a 1,300cc jalopy in Kericho, where his small
farm is. Believes Kikuyus are thieves. Drinks
beer/choma alone or with the ‘boys from home’
while peppering talk in mother tongue.

Positive:
Save for financial stability Kalenjin men
are said to be brave, strong, even-tempered and
peaceful among themselves, trustworthy, sexually
strict, and never neglect their culture.

Negative :
They are chauvinists. They believe
offering a good house and financial stability for
the family is everything but ladies want to be
loved and satisfied in ‘other ways’ too. Though
they love the mama and totos they tend to have
side dishes. They are stingy to their wives. To
them, a woman and kids are the same.


5. Luhya:

Most gate ‘soldiers’ in Nairobi are
Shirandulas. How they manage to attract more
than three wives; two in Emanyulia, Kakamega,
and a ‘nyumba ndogo’ in Nairobi’s seedy
Kawangware is a mystery social scientists are
still working on. Luhya men are ambitious
though. Even a 40-year old Omundu strong
watchman still hopes to steal his employer’s job
before Vision 2030. And a promotion will surely
ease the burden of bringing up families besides
moving houses from Kawangware!



Positive:
Depending on your libido, make sure
your bed is strong enough to accommodate these
bedroom bullies who according to testimonials,
hardly run out of tea and chicken powered
steam. Luhyas do not like leaving evidence
around so do not worry about child support
when he leaves you. Luhyas are the real
Africans. He will always come bearing gifts from
shagz; mkarango, ingokho, guavas and sugarcane!

Negative:
Always dancing to Rhumba as they
discuss their amazement of the Kikuyu fiscal
success story. They also love going shagz every
other weekend. They eat too much Jimbi. They
are very traditional with a grinding domestic
mindset...if the wife threatens to run away, they
slaughter everyone before unsuccessfully trying
to commit suicide!


6. Kikuyu :


Their ambitious and hard-working
nature dates back to the era of Chief Wang’ombe
whose clansmen looted Arab caravans passing
through Central Kenya at the turn of the 19th
Century. For that reason the Kamandes and
Kariukis walk, eat and dream of kamugunda
(shamba), matatus and company shares. In fact,
they are often too busy minting mullah to invest
in another ‘Nguno’ the cow at his kamugunda.
They may even neglect Mama Gacheri, the long-
suffering wife. To a Kikuyu, a woman is a social
trophy during drinking sprees where discussions
are pegged on how to import speed governors,
and mouse for the Laptop Project for schools.
These hustlers from the House of Mumbi can
also trim the edges of honesty when opportunity
presents itself.

Positive:

They are hardworking, but every single
cent must be accounted for in their mean
budgetary systems. Kamande is therefore the
ideal hubby for the industrious woman. Kikuyu
men make the best ancestors due to that not so
small matter of Old Money from a grandpa who
had big financial dreams!

Negative :
A typical Kikuyu man’s luxury car is a
pick-up, double cabin, and he believes in
relaxing in Kanyenya-ini village weeding the
shamba and milking ‘Nguno’ the cow - not
frolicking on the beach in Mombasa. For this
reason, women think the Kamandes are
unromantic and unadventurous. Their perfect
date is dancing to Mugithi at Jambo Bar&Grill
while tearing at roast goat ribs! If you are
thinking of assuming the mother-in-law, steer
clear of Kamande. Kikuyu men are mama’s boys.
So the way to his heart, is through his mother.
They are also said to be wanting in the fashion
department and the uncultured can be very
crude. A must-have in every Kikuyu man’s
wardrobe include; Savco and 1.5 Freezer jeans
preferably brown, Chicago Bulls T-shirts, an over-
sized Kenyatta leather jacket and a ‘Godpapa’
hat whether fake or original. While drinking, a
typical Kikuyu will keep squinting at the bill
every two minutes!


7. Kamba :

They are said to have sexual
athleticism that makes them very liberal in
bedroom matters. They are also known to sing
loudly while drinking as they talk about sex and
argue who is better between Ken Wa Maria and
Kativui. All this happens in a club in Mlolongo
after a good sale of second hand tyres.

Positive:
They are very submissive and will do
anything just to keep you around. Don’t believe
this? Try calling Nzomo, your ‘Kao’ buddy from a
bar at some devil hour. He will come running as
his girlfriend remains behind dancing to
Beyonce’s Single ladies!

Negative :
‘Wakanesas’ are cowards and easily
used even if they do not get anything in return.
They are also ‘watermelons’ who hardly make
firm individual decisions. When drank, a ‘Kao’
can start pulling an ‘Afro Sinema’ skit!


8. Meru :


’Vaite Murumes’ ego surpasses reality.
It is taboo for Murume to enter the kitchen. One
got sacked when a woman was promoted and
Mithika was the tea boy... who could not serve a
woman boss. A proper Kinoti would rather starve
to death than cook. These hot tempered men do
not take disappointment kindly. They are famed
for either killing or breaking down in tears like a
baby after rejection.

Positive:

They are not only hardworking but also
the best time keepers in Kenya. Ever wondered
why there is always a Probox accident along the
Nairobi-Thika superhighway. Well, that’s because
they were probably racing Miraa to the airport
in time. For them, time and money go hand in
glove.


Negative :

Murume has a temper that can distill
chang’aa or boil porridge. When provoked, he
will very easily turn you into minced meat.
Attending Washington State University does not
count as the accent picked from Muringene-
Kutus (and not necessarily when picking miraa)
remains. They have an attitude problem. They
take everything personally. They are also bossy
in a relationship with Mwari.


9. Kisii:


Just like their Meru brothers, the
Mogakas are hot tempered. They prefer marrying
Kwamboka, Kerubo and Kemunto because; they
believe women from other communities lack
morals. Momanyis, Makoris and Mairuras are also
clingy and hopeless in love and do not know how
to let go!

Positive:
When Momanyi falls in love with a
woman he gives it his best. When you break up
Momanyi will still pursue you for months, which
is an ego boost for the typical Nairobi woman.

Negative:
These guys are rude, arrogant and
treat women like children. They are also nagging
and tend to speak in shrill sopranos when angry.
They also do not know when to stop talking.
They are too traditional, patriarchal and can
shamelessly ask a woman for sex after spending
a Sh100 on her!


10. Turkana:


They rarely marry outside their
community. Even the few who are educated in
Nairobi still talk about marrying Msichana wa
nyumbani.

Positive:
Once a Turkana man tastes the
benefits of education he will ensure everyone
around him understands. He is not only an
asset to you and your children but the
community as a whole.

Negative :

These men are shady. They sport navy
blue three buttoned suits, which they believe
matches with ‘Nairobi blue’ shirts and red ties.
Truth be told, these brothers are tall, dark but
nothing to talk home about in the looks
department!
source: standard media