this are the crazy things that run through his head:
1. Shit, I have to look like an adult.
I can't wear gym shorts to bed like I have since high school. Where are those pajama pants my mom
bought me for Christmas last year? Is the fridge stocked?
Do I have good bottled water so she doesn't have to drink my faucet water that tastes
like pennies in the middle of the night?
Do I have soap in the bathroom? I should probably
get soap. Aaaand wipe the beard stubble out of the sink.
2. There are not enough drawers to hide all my embarrassing stuff.
Dungeons and Dragons is under the bed and I’ve tucked my Doctor Who box set behind my Man Sports Volume IV DVDs.
What if she wants to check her email and finds my porn folder?
I guess I'll just destroy my computer.
3. How many condoms in the bedside table areappropriate?
A brand new pack looks presumptuous, but if I open this pack I’m going to look like a player. Maybe two in the drawer and the rest in a safe buried in the backyard?
Or ... ?
4. She's here.
Eight hours of me trying not to
do anything gross starts now. Why didn’t I poop before she came? Oh yeah, because I didn't want to stink up the bathroom. But now I
have to endure the crushing pain of holding in a fart for a full night. Maybe I should pretend there’s someone breaking in, and I can run to the front door and let it out while I’m “investigating.”
5. Can I sneak in this retainer?
Will all my teeth shift because I didn’t wear it for a night? Oh
thank god, she has one too.
6. SHE JUST SHUT THE TV OFF.
I need the TV on to sleep . This is devastating. Guess I'll just lie
here clutching my rumbling stomach until it gets light out.
see also: 6 Things That Make a Woman Bad in Bed
7. Oh no, she's a blanket stealer.
Should I steal them back? Should I lie here in a fetal position and shiver all night? On one hand, she
looks adorable all bundled up. On the other hand, #equality. Aha! I'll play this off as an attempt at snuggling.
8. I need to go to the bathroom.
How do I untangle?
OK, I'll slowly slooooowlyyyy slide my arm out, simultaneously replacing it with a pillow of similar size and shape, then grab the
headboard and use only my upper-body strength to extract my legs. Then, over the course of the
next 20 minutes, I’ll slide off the bed so a sudden distribution of weight across the mattress doesn’t startle her. Then I'll simply
crawl to the bathroom to avoid stepping on creaky floorboards, hold a blanket against the door to muffle the flush, and repeat everything in reverse.
9. I better set a vibrating alarm for myself so she doesn't wake up before me and feel awkward.
Plus, I want to be there, brushed
teeth and ready, if she's up for morning sex.
10. Should I wake her up?
It’s 1 p.m. I already made breakfast, went for a run, showered, made lunch, and built a bird feeder. Wait, is she dead?! No, she’s still breathing.
11. IS SHE USING MY TOOTHBRUSH?
She’s definitely brushing her teeth. That is the unmistakable sound of teeth brushing. Did she bring her own? Should I ask? It feels weird to
draw that line when we just performed oral sex on each other.
12. Are we going to spend the day together?
I did have a great time with her, but I kind of just want to lie on the couch, order pizza, take a nap,
and read my book. Am I a dick if I ask her to leave? My greatest fear is being labeled a dick.
see also: The 10 Things Men Do In Bed That Every Girl Hates
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