20 Signs You're a Middle-class 'Wannabe' Nairobian

It is time we cut the fragile middle-class some flak. They are in what sociologists call an “acrobatic balance” in which their ambitions are laudable, their dreams valid, but they’re not sure their lifestyles would be sustainable when the pay check becomes kaput. Here is how to tell you’re a ‘hustler’ middle class Nairobian:

1. You keep bottles of expensive whiskey and sickeningly have them on display in the sitting
room. Rural.
2. You have one, a fridge. Two, a water dispenser. Redundant.
3. You only dust off your fifth hand jalopy out of parking once the salary checks in. End-month
tycoons, these Nairobians.
4. Your HR department knows your mid-month rendezvous to their office for a salary advance.
Laughable.
5. When the Galaxy S-something phone accidentally drops ndani ya chai, violently changes ownership or gets lost, replacing it calls for a visit to the Sacco. Taxing.

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6. The success of your ‘expensive’ wedding depends on 100 of your ‘closest friends’ meeting their imposed Sh20,000 targets. You also have a gift list to avoid glasses since you’re not opening a cutlery business. Charade.
7. You still need a benevolent relative for that Sh2 million bank statement when processing your Visa to the West. Sad.
8. When arrested for drunk driving, paying the Sh20,000 fine involves calling at least five friends to help you out...but they’re ‘down.’ Blunder.
9. You are in an investment chama that can only afford to buy a plot along Kangundo Road, 50km
from Nairobi and 50km off the tarmac at Joska. Congratulations.
10. You have gone for the cheapest DSTV package, granted it has NatGeo and Sony Max. Struggle.

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11. You have accepted the dictum that a man cannot live without a (soft) loan. Conformity.
12. You have a Shylock’s number at the ready just in case an emergency strikes. Plan B.
13. Around 10th of any given month, all you have in the fridge is a piece of cabbage, wrinkly carrots and mayonnaise from three months before. Unsustainable lifestyle.
14. You often change the grades of rice and maize flour depending on the time of the month. Inconsistent.
15. When the cooking gas gets finished on 21st of the month(as it is won’t to do), means three things: eating out, using a kerosene stove or jiko if cohabiting or married or getting a quick loan from a friend. Pressure.

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16. You change your whiskey brands depending on the time of the month. Erratic.
17. When your jalopy gets knocked with a small freckle around the fog lights, you cause the mother of all traffic jams. Bothersome.
18. You prefer using cooking oil, but
circumstances dictate that you use cooking fat. Most of the time.
19. The new Jambo Jet flying rates are still on the higher side. Ha!
20. You have deferred-for the 10th year- your ill-considered Masters programme for lack of funds.
Cut the booze.

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